Prongless
by RubberS0ul
Summary: Lily Evans had never even considered the fact that one day she would stop being friends with Severus, she never believed that one day she would replace James in the Marauders. The thought that one day she might actually like James Potter had never been conceivable - but above all, Lily never thought that if she ever liked James he wouldn't like her back. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

A/n to those of you coming back to this story, I condensed three chapters into one, because as a reader I always appreciate longer chapters. To those of you who are new, welcome. Thanks for checking out my story.

* * *

Lily Evans couldn't believe the nerve of her previous best friend, Severus Snape - threatening to sleep outside the Gryffindor common room unless she came to speak with him. She owed him absolutely no favours, but she went anyways, compelled by her morbid desire to see his suffering. She hadn't been disappointed - he had practically begged for her forgiveness. She felt a pit of frustration, but also satisfaction coiling in her stomach as she shut the portrait hole in his face and turned back into the common room. James Potter was standing, watching her re-enter, Lily's good friend, Mary Macdonald at his side.

"Alright, Evans?" he asked, his face genuinely concerned. "Need me to punch a certain slimy git in the face?" Lily, a burst of anger controlling her movements, stalked over to James, standing closer than she had ever dared get to him before.

"When have I _ever_ asked - or needed _you_ to defend me, Potter?" she said in a low, biting voice, egged on by the rage from Severus' betrayal. "Don't go pretending you're all high and mighty when you curse people while they're down - and no, I'm not defending him." James opened his mouth to say something.

"Lily, I'm -"

"No, you have no right to apologize. In fact, I don't want to hear you talking to me again." She said, not looking at his crestfallen face as she ran up to her dormitory. She briefly heard him say "what the hell" to Mary as the door fell shut behind her.

Lily threw herself onto her bed, seething. She wasn't surprised that the fifth year girls dormitory was empty. After a well deserved break after writing their Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL that afternoon, most of the fifth years were in the common room cramming for the Transfiguration OWL the next day. Instead of studying, Lily was thinking angrily upon her day that had previously gone so well, and how quickly it had gone to hell. Lily had been down at the lake with her friends Mary, Penelope Turpin, a fifth year Ravenclaw, and Lucinda Talkalot, a fifth year Slytherin, and Mary's long time best friend, following the DADA OWL, when Lily had noticed James Potter and Sirius Black picking on her friend, Severus. She'd gone over to defend him only for him to call her mudblood, which is a derogatory term for someone whose parents are muggles. While their friendship had been tense for months, this was the breaking point for Lily, and she promised herself to put an end to it.

Severus had been the one to introduce her to the wizarding world as a child, and she'd never forget that. She also wouldn't forget how good a friend he'd been to her for the first few years. He'd always chosen her over his Slytherin friends. More recently, however, he had taken to spending more and more time with his friends - friends who were surely on the road to becoming Death Eaters, if they weren't already. When he decided he had enough time for her, he'd ask to meet up in strange places.

Lily pretended not to notice - pretended it didn't hurt - but she knew that he was hiding their friendship. She hated his friends for turning him evil, she hated James Potter for pushing him farther away, she hated Severus for being so easily corrupted… and she hated herself for not trying harder to keep him. He was her best friend, but she couldn't ignore his behaviour.

"Hey Lily?" Lily turned to see Mary peeking her head in.

"Hey Mary," Lily said, sighing heavily. "What's up?" she asked as Mary came and sat at the foot of Lily's bed.

"What happened out there? And why weren't you at dinner?"

"I couldn't face it. You know this place is a gossip hell hole. I'm sure everyone knows by now, and I just couldn't stand the thought of all the Slytherin's laughing at me. And I couldn't stand Potter and his bloody cronies constantly offering to beat Sev up - with the exception that I go out with Potter, naturally. I mean, who does he think he is? He has no right to ask to fight my battles for me. He's such an -"

"Lily, you know he only says that because he cares about you right?"

"He doesn't even know me! He hasn't once tried to just get to know me without harassing me. He bullied my best friend in front of me for years and then asked me out I mean who the bloody hell thinks that's a good fucking -"

"Lily please, he's a really good guy. He does care about you. He really likes you and he just doesn't know how to approach those feeling yet."

"Yeah sure, whatever," Lily said, not really wanting to talk about Potter any longer. "Point being, Sev came up and he practically begged for my forgiveness."

"What did you say?" Mary asked, intrigued.

"I told him to bloody well sod off." Lily scoffed

"Don't worry about it, Lils. That whole bunch are all tossers."

"I know Mary. I really should have called it all off when he laughed about what his friends did to you. He thought it was funny! I mean, that's just sadistic."

"I agree. There must be something seriously wrong in their heads, I could have been permanently damaged if I hadn't been taken to aunt Poppy. And god, I wish Dumbledore hadn't come in, 'cause she was literally getting ready to go hex them into oblivion," Mary said, laughing. Lily smiled at her friend, grateful for the distraction.

"Thanks, Mary," Lily said, not saying what she was grateful for, but Mary gave her an understanding smile.

"Any time." Suddenly they were interrupted by the door swinging open and their other dorm mates, Marlene Mckinnon and Dorcas Meadowes came in. They both paused as though making sure they weren't interrupting anything.

"Is it ok if we-" Marlene asked, gesturing towards their beds.

"Of course, of course," Lily said putting a smile on her face. Once the two girls were behind them, Lily rolled her eyes at Mary, who stifled laughter. The weren't too fond of their dorm mates, whom they found to be stuck up. Lily mimed smearing lipstick all over her face, in imitation of Dorcas, who was rarely seen without red lipstick. Mary curled her hair around her finger, and adjusted her breasts with the other, miming a flirtatious giggle. The pair broke into peals of laughter, drawing curious looks from the other girls.

"Anyways," Mary said once they'd finished their giggle fit. "You should come visit this summer. Lucy's coming, and I think Nell might drop by if she can between trips."

"God, please take me now. I'm not exactly eager to see Petunia after the way we left it over break."

"Don't lie to yourself Lils, more like since first year," Mary said, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, that's fair," Lily said. "We should probably follow their example and get to bed though," she said, gesturing to their dorm mates, who were brushing their teeth already.

"True, we've got a busy day tomorrow."

"Love you, Mary," Lily said, pulling her friend into a hug.

"You too, Lils."

* * *

"Hey, Evans," Lily turned to see James Potter jogging to catch up with her on the crowded train station after disembarking the Hogwart's express. "Can I have a word?"

"If you were really asking, you'd give me the option" she said, huffing. "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to say that if I offended you the other night -"

"Why would you have offended me?" Lily asked, eyes narrowed.

"Well you were just particularly snappy and - "

"When have I ever been nice to you, Potter?" Lily snarled.

"Ok, look I just came to apologize, maybe I shouldn't have -"

"I thought I told you not to talk to me anymore," Lily said impatiently.

"Yeah, I just thought that if I'd done something wrong maybe I could fix -"

"You can't fix my problems, Potter," Lily interrupted again. "Except maybe by letting me leave. Hope you have an _excellent_ summer," Lily said spitefully before walking towards her mum, not looking behind to see James' crestfallen face.

Hey mum," Lily said in a cheery voice, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Where's Tuney?" she asked, stomach clenching uncomfortably.

"I decided it might be best if she stayed home, dear," Lily's mother said slowly. Lily nodded her understanding, but felt a lump rising in her throat.

"Right, let's go," she turned away from her mother - and her peers - quickly before they could see the tears welling in her eyes.

* * *

Lily glanced at her watch again. Only half past ten. She couldn't pretend to be asleep much longer, but she really didn't want to go out and face her family; particularly her older sister. She rolled over in her bedsheets and stared out her window for the third time that morning, and then looked back to her bookshelf. There was nothing there she wanted to read. She had spent the first two weeks of summer vacation doing absolutely nothing. She rarely left her room, and spent a lot of her time waiting for any of her friends to write to her, as she didn't have an owl. Her mum had tried several times to get her to talk, tell her about her year, anything, but Lily had held her tongue. She hated how quiet her mum was now; hated the husk that was left following her father's death. He had passed away of lung cancer over Christmas vacation. This was her first summer without her dad, and she knew they wouldn't be going anywhere fun without him, that there would be no more breakfast in bed, or family card nights, and that also meant that Petunia had free range to do anything she wanted. Try as she may, their mother could never tell Petunia what to do quite like their father.

Lily's train of thought was broken by a knock at the door.

"What?" She called.

"Door's for you," came the terse reply of her older sister. Lily threw her sheets off and marched downstairs, still in her pyjamas, only to find Severus Snape outside her door.

"Lily, thank god you came, I thought once Petunia told you who was here you wouldn't-"

"You really think Petunia told me it was you? If I'd've known I'd never've -"

"Lily, please, I really need you. My parents have gotten so much worse and I can't handle the constant yelling. I just need to get out of the house, please," Severus said, sounding desperate.

"Sev, you can get out of the house without me," Lily said, trying to shut the door.

"Of course you don't understand," Severus sneered.

"I think you should leave," Lily said, voice ice cold.

"I'm not going anywhere unless you come with me," Severus said, grabbing her arm.

"My father is dead, unless you've forgotten," Lily said, pulling her arm out of his grasp. "And my sister hates me. But you're right, I don't get it at all, so maybe you should find someone who does," Lily said, shutting the door in his face.

"What did the freak want?" Petunia asked lazily. Lily's eyes narrowed.

"What are you wearing?" She asked, eyes zeroing in on their dad's favourite shirt that was now splattered in paint from Petunia's stupid hobby.

"A smock," Petunia said haughtily, adding some white to her painting.

"That was dad's," Lily said accusingly.

"It's not like he's using it."

"Are you serious?" Lily shrieked. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Wrong with me, what's wrong with you," Petunia said defensively, standing up as Lily approached.

"Take it off," Lily said.

"I'm not going to -"

"Take it off!" Lily screamed, grabbing a fistful of the shirt and yanking as hard as she could.

"Get off me," Petunia yelled, attempting to kick Lily away from her.

"You disrespectful bitch," Lily yelled as Petunia grabbed a handful of Lily's hair. Lily shrieked and let go of the shirt, but quickly grabbed a tube of paint and smeared it over Petunia's painting, which she now realized - although too late - was a portrait of their father.

"I was going to give it to mum as a surprise," Petunia wailed, tears flowing freely down her face. Lily's heart sank. The painting had been really good until she'd smeared bright blue paint all over it.

"Tuney, I'm sorry, I didn't -"

"Save it," Petunia said, voice hardened. "And you call me a disrespectful bitch." Petunia grabbed her painting and stalked off. Lily followed her quietly to the bathroom where she heard furious scrubbing and angry tears.

"Tuney, can I help you?" Lily asked tentatively, a pit of guilt and dread in her stomach.

"Yeah, you can get the fuck out of my life."

* * *

Lily had never been more relieved to see Mary's owl at her window, and jumped on the invitation to her house, leaving the very next day.

"Lucy isn't allowed to come," Mary said upon throwing Lily's bag in the guest room.

"What, why?" Lily asked, disappointed.

"Her mum doesn't want her associating with blood traitors," Mary scoffed.

"Oh god, you don't think they're with You-Know-Who, do you?" Lily asked, worried for their friend.

"I don't know, Lils," Mary said anxiously. "But you know how her mum is. Lucy's only written once this whole time."

"What, kind of like with you and me?" Lily asked teasingly.

"It's different, Lily, she's my best friend." Lily pretended that didn't sting as she went on.

"That's fair. What's for dinner?" She asked, changing the topic.

"Pasta, I think," Mary said, sniffing the air. "Want to go down now?"

* * *

Lily awoke fairly late the next morning, checking her watch as she slipped out of bed. She trudged down in all her pyjama clad, messy haired glory, only to see Mary and her mother, dressed rather nicely sitting at the table having tea with a woman with chocolate brown hair and a kind face, and one James Potter. Lily froze and tried to leave unnoticed, but the woman who she assumed to be James' mom made eye contact with her. Grudgingly, Lily approached the table. James' eyes widened and he looked at the table smiling. Lily tried her hardest not to glare at him as she offered her hand to his mother.

"Hello, my name is Lily," she said, feeling herself flush as the woman smiled warmly.

"Ah, Lily, yes," she said, looking her up and down. "I've heard plenty about you, of course. I'm James' mother."

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Potter," Lily said politely, dropping her hand.

"Please, call me Euphemia," she smiled. "I hear you're quite talented at potions." She continued. "You'd get along well with my husband - always fiddling around and making weird smells…" she laughed.

"Right, well, er, I'm going to go, ah, freshen up." Lily said, flushing even more at her inability to form a proper sentence.

"Go ahead, Lily dear," Mary's mother said, smiling. Lily ran up the stairs to the first landing where the guest room was, and was about to enter her room when she heard someone call her name.

"Lily," James panted, running after her up the stairs. "Wait!"

"Yes, Potter," Lily replied, turning to face him.

"I just wanted to say that I didn't know you - well, I didn't know you'd be here, it's just that mum comes round here every Wednesday and I go with her and honestly if I'd've known you'd be here I'd've stayed behind. I really didn't want to intrude and I'm sorry, I know that you said not to talk to you anymore and I know I'm doing just that now, but yeah, I'm sorry," James trailed off lamely.

Lily wasn't sure if she was in a good mood because she was with her friend, or away from her sister, or because she was still so embarrassed from showing up in her pjs in the middle of tea with James' mom, but she heard herself say something completely foreign to herself.

"It's ok, Potter."

"Really?" James asked, the corner of his lips turning up.

"Yeah," Lily replied, fighting the urge to laugh at James' facial expression. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to…" Lily said, gesturing towards her room.

"Of course," James said, his cheeks tinging pink. "I'm just gonna…" James said, already walking downstairs.

"Huh," Lily said to herself once James had left.

* * *

Over the course of that summer, Lily spent more time at Mary's house than her own. Petunia was still angry about the painting, and their mother had been working twice as much since their father died, so she wasn't around a lot. At Mary's house, however, Mary's parents were home fairly often. Mary's mother, Dorothy, or 'Dot', as she preferred, ran a research lab. They were trying to find a cure for dragon pox. She now had so many scientists on her team that she wasn't always needed around, so she popped in periodically throughout the day. Her dad, Roy ran a bakery in town. He worked the morning shift every day, and was home in time to make them a late lunch and then take them to the beach, out for ice cream, or for a bike ride.

Another thing that Lily had begun to enjoy was the weekly, or sometimes bi-weekly teas with James and his mom, of which she had attended upwards of ten. Euphemia was a charismatic older woman who'd been friends with Dot since she'd moved in next door. The women were both pregnant at the time, and bonded over the troubles of pregnancy. As such, Mary and James had all but grown up together. In the presence of his mother, James was a good deal more polite and thoughtful. Lily had even begun to look forward to his presence.

"James, dear, it's nearly five o'clock," Euphemia said to her son, setting down her empty tea cup. "I think we'd best get going."

"Actually, mum," James said, shoving the last of his jam scone in his mouth. "I was thinking Lily and Mary might want to come over for a bit," He asked, putting an angelic smile on his face. Lily and Mary rolled their eyes at each other, while Lily gave an unladylike snort of mirth.

"If that's ok with you, Dot, I'm fine with it," Euphemia said.

"As long as you girls are back for supper," Dot replied, smiling.

"Thank you," James said, planting a sticky kiss on the two mother's cheeks. They then walked next door to the Potter residence, where they were greeted by what looked eerily like a very aged James.

"You must be Lily," he said. "My name is Fleamont."

"Pleasure to meet you," Lily said, shaking his hand.

"Ok, dad, we're just going to go upstairs," James said, all but shooing the girls up the stairs. Mary took the lead, and led the group to James' room. His room was fairly spacious and the walls were covered in an assortment of posters, many were Quidditch posters. "Mind if I stick some music on?" James asked. The girls both assented, and James went over to an old looking gramophone by his bed. Seconds later, the music started. "This is a muggle band called -"

"The Beatles!" Lily said excitedly.

"You know them?" James asked, smiling.

"Know them? I love them!" Lily gushed.

"No way, me too!" James said "God I wish they hadn't broken up, what I wouldn't give to see them play live…" James said wistfully.

"Oh god tell me about it, I'd commit murder!" Lily exclaimed. She then looked to where Mary was standing, confused. "Sorry, Mary. It's just a very popular muggle band."

"Right," Mary said, still looking a bit confused.

"Rubber Soul?" Lily asks. James' eyes brightened.

"Naturally," he laughed, starting to dance.

 _I've just seen a face_

 _I can't forget the time or place_

 _Where we just meet_

 _She's just the girl for me_

 _And I want all the world to see_

 _We've met, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm_

Lily laughed as James twirled her under his arm, and she sang along breathlessly. Lily grabbed Mary's arm and pulled her up to dance for the last thirty seconds of the song before the next song played. Due to its slow nature, the three sat down, and James sang and Lily tried to pick out the harmony unsuccessfully, bursting into giggles every time she messed up.

The next song, Lily and James got up to dance again, Lily singing the oo la la la's, revelling at how good the pair sounded singing together. Mary had never been quite the singer, so she sat on James' bed, making goofy "dancing" gestures with her arms and laughing good naturedly.

Lily let out a breathless chuckle as the final song on the album finished.

"Well, it's time for supper, Lily," Mary said once James and Lily's breathing rate had returned to normal.

"Ok," Lily panted. "Thanks James, see you around." Lily hadn't noticed her slip up, but James sure had, smiling after her and falling back onto his bed.

* * *

After dinner that night, Lily had returned home once again, going straight to her room. Her mother wasn't home yet, and it didn't seem like Petunia was there either. She put Rubber Soul on in her room and laid on her bed, thinking incredulously on her day. She remembered James twirling her all around his room, and his childlike laughter, and his voice singing perfectly along to the songs she loved so much. She felt her stomach do a little flip and sat straight up in her bed.

'No way, Lily, pull yourself together," Lily thought to herself, eyes wide. She told herself furiously that he was only being nice because there was no one around to bully. She had a hard time falling asleep that night. She was just about to drift off when she heard a tap at her window. It was an owl - and not one of Mary's either. Intrigued, she reached for the letter and pet the owl, who rubbed against her hand affectionately.

 _Evans,_

 _I'm glad you could make it today, I had a lot of fun. Next Wednesday, after tea, Remus, Peter, and Sirius are coming over and we're going to go to the beach. Maybe you can come to tea, and come along with us - with Mary of course._

 _James_

 _P.s. Which Beatles album is your favourite?_

Lily shook her head incredulously, but penned a hasty reply.

 _Potter,_

 _I'll be there._

 _Lily._

 _P.s. How am I supposed to pick just one. They're all genious, although I've always been fond of Rubber Soul. Do you have a favourite?_

She attached the letter to the owl's leg and watched it fly off into the night, a warm feeling in her stomach. She had just as hard of a time falling asleep after the letter, although for a completely different reason.

 _Evans,_

 _I look forward to it. Don't forget a swimsuit and muggle money. And a towel. I honestly am a big fan of Meet the Beatles!. I'm a sucker for their old stuff. I want to hold your hand is a particular favourite of mine. Now something that isn't Beatles related - what's your favourite colour?_

 _James_

* * *

The following Wednesday, Lily put her swimsuit on underneath a light floral dress, and tried to settle her stomach as she set off for Mary's. When she arrived, they were already at the table, and Lily avoided James' eyes as she sat down. She had spent the past few days exchanging frequent letters with James. She now knew his favourite colour was dark red, his favourite animal was a hippogriff - and no, he hadn't met one yet, his favourite Beatle was John, and his favourite breakfast food was scrambled eggs with fresh tomatoes. She wasn't quite sure how to deal with this information, or how to treat their newly civil relationship, so she stayed quiet. Once she had settled in her seat and greeted everyone, she met James' eyes and gave him a small smile. He gave her a toothy one in return.

"So what are your plans for today, James?" Euphemia asked him.

"Lily, Mary, the lads, and I are going to the beach after tea."

"Sounds like fun! Why don't you stop for ice cream on the way," Dorothy asked.

"We just might," James said. "I know Remus would love that idea." Euphemia laughed, nodding her head.

"That boy could eat his way through a candy store - and he's still so skinny," Euphemia added.

"Tell Roy that the biscuits were amazing," James said as they were leaving.

"Oh James, you lovely boy," Dot said, giving him an affectionate pat on the cheek. "I'll pass the compliment to the chef." They said their goodbyes and walked over to James' house.

"When'll the boys be here?" Euphemia asked James.

"Any time, mum," James said before turning to the girls. "I'm going to go put my swim trunks on. Do either of you need to change?" Both girls shook their heads and James went off.

"Why don't you girls come sit," Euphemia said, leading them to the sitting room where Fleamont was sitting, reading the prophet. Lily took a seat next to Mary on the chesterfield, and jumped as the fireplace lit up in green flames. Despite using floo powder to get to and from Mary's house often, she still hadn't quite gotten used to people just appearing out of the fire.

"Remus, dear, you look peaky, we've got some of Mr. Macdonald's fresh biscuits, would you like some?" Euphemia asked, brushing soot off of Remus' shirt.

"No thank you, Mrs. Potter, I just ate," Remus said. "Lily, Mary, I didn't know you'd be here," Remus said, catching sight of the girls perched on the sofa.

"Oh, James didn't tell you," Mary asked.

"I might've just missed the memo," Remus said as James came back in wearing swim trunks and a t-shirt. He went over and gave Remus a hug.

"How's it hangin', Moony," James asked.

"I'm fine, James, how're you," Remus asked, patting James on the back.

"If you'll excuse us," Euphemia said helping her husband to his feet and pulling him out of the room. "Come along dear."

"Bye mum, bye dad," James called after them, although his voice was drowned out by Peter Pettigrew stepping out of the suddenly roaring flames.

"I didn't know they'd be here," Peter said, eyeing the girls warily. Lily began to feel increasingly awkward, and shot a grimace at her friend.

"Well, they are," James said, throwing an apologetic look over his shoulder at the girls. They ended up having to wait another fifteen minutes for Sirius to show up, looking dishevelled.

"Sorry, my parents didn't want me to - what're they doing here?"

"They're here to come to the beach with us," James said wearily.

"Why? Since when have you even been on speaking terms with -"

"Since now," James said with an air of finality. "Shall we go?"

"Good idea," Lily said loudly, getting to her feet quickly. She was quite ready to get out into the sun and out of this awkward situation. Luckily, James and Mary lived only about a twenty minute walk from the closest beach. When they got there, Lily quickly stripped herself down to her swimsuit, which was a good deal more modest than Mary's, who often drew stares, even while fully clothed. Lily turned her back to the group to look at the water.

"Looks nice, doesn't it," James said, joining her.

"I can't wait to get in," Lily agreed.

"What're you waiting for then," James asked, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Last one in is a flobberworm," he yelled, getting a head start, Lily close behind. She revelled in the feeling of the sand beneath her feet and dove in when the water was up to her knees, giving her an advantage over everyone else, who waded in. Mary was eventually the last, wincing as the cold water hit her sun-warmed skin.

"I beat you," Lily teased, splashing a bit of water at James.

"Well, yeah, but you didn't tell me you were a bloody dolphin. You had an unfair advantage."

"I'm not a dolphin, I'm just not afraid of the cold," Lily said, emphasizing her point by diving under the water, showing up several feet away. They spent the afternoon like that, splashing and swimming, and when the sun began to set, they ran up the beach to their towels.

"Shit, I forgot mine," Lily said, dripping wet.

"Can't believe you forgot it even after I reminded you," James said, brandishing his own.

"No way, you need that," Lily said.

"Fine, we'll share," James said, wrapping his arms around her, and the towel around them both. Lily could feel his stomach against her back and shivered, but she stayed put in his arms.

* * *

Lily spent the night at Mary's, and as they sat on Mary's bed Lily's thoughts spewed out of her head.

"I think I might like James," Lily said suddenly, startling Mary with the topic change.

"I guess I saw that coming, but really, you spent such a long time telling him to fuck off, why the change of heart?" Mary asked carefully.

"I don't know, because I like who he is outside of school and I like his taste in music, and I think it's so cute that he goes to tea with his mother once a week, and he's pretty cute and oh god, Mary, I'm so screwed." Lily buried her face in Mary's pillow in shame.

"No, no, that's fair," Mary said.

"But Mary, I don't know if you've noticed, but he hasn't asked me out all summer," Lily said. "Not even once."

"So?"

"What if he doesn't like me anymore?" Lily whispered.

"I can find out for you," Mary said, a smirk rising to her face.

"Oh, Mary, could you?"

"Easily, darling," Mary said dramatically.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/n: This is a shorter chapter, but big things are coming ahead. Thanks for reading!**

* * *

The rest of the summer passed quickly, and soon enough they were back at Hogwarts, attending their first week of classes. Lily had gotten used to James, and the Marauders' presence in her life, and had begun to accept it. At the beginning of their third day of classes, Lily was sitting between James and Mary at breakfast, and Severus came over to her.

"Lily, can we talk?"

"Get lost Snivellus," Sirius called. "There's enough grease on the bacon already." James sniggered, and Lily shot the pair an annoyed look.

"Fine, what do you want," Lily asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I was thinking we could maybe speak in private," he said, eyeing the Marauders.

"Like hell," James snarled. Lily put a restraining hand on his arm.

"It's fine," she said quietly to him. "I've got it handled," she then turned to Severus. "Whatever you have to say can be said in front of my friends."

" _Friends,"_ Severus spat. "Fine, what the hell are you doing, Lils? Potter is an arrogant toe-rag, remember? And Black is a big headed idiot? And bloody Pettigrew is just a tag-along? And Lupin pretends to be cool, but is really a boring bookworm?" Lily, it wasn't just me, how could you be friends with them?" Lily felt the blood rush to her face at the hurt expressions on her new friend's faces.

"I didn't - Sev I only said that when I was mad because they were bullying you. And now you're being the instigator - don't be that person," Lily said, terrified to look around at the people she had undoubtedly hurt.

"I am your best friend Lily, don't pretend anyone else could love the real you."

"Leave me alone!" Lily yelled, tears in her eyes, drawing stares from all around the great hall. She went to sit down, but no one met her eyes. "Fine, I wasn't hungry anyways," she spat, walking briskly back towards the Gryffindor common room. It was so unfair of Severus to bring up things she'd said years previous. Sure, she'd meant them at the time, but she now counted the Marauders as good friends, and didn't want Severus to ruin it.

"Hey, Lily, wait up," Lily felt her stomach unclench at James' voice. "Ignore what Snivellus said, I already know what you thought of me then, let's focus on how you feel about me now, hey?" He said, smiling lightly.

"Thanks James," Lily said, burying her face in his chest. They stood there for a few moments while Lily composed herself, and then decided it was high time they got off to ancient runes. Lily pretended not to notice that James didn't make a move to ask how she felt about him now, but rather sat in silence while she calmed down.

After a couple days, her friendships with the boys had gone back to normal, although Remus seemed to still be a bit hurt.

"You know I haven't thought those things in years, right?" Lily said, sitting next to him in arithmancy.

"I know, Lily, you don't have to apologize."

"No, but I want to."

"Ok, fair enough. Apology accepted," Remus smiled.

"Thanks," Lily said, wrapping her arm around his shoulders.

* * *

The first term was passing alarmingly quickly, and one night, as Lily was attempting to sleep, she found herself contemplating how happy she'd suddenly become. She and Mary had become so close - Lily remembered what it was like to have a best friend again. She spent a lot of time with Mary and James in particular, and she thought that she might actually have a chance with him - or rather he might have a chance with her this time. In fact, she really wanted to give him a chance.

"Hey Mary," Lily whispered.

"Yes?" Mary replied with a sigh.

"Has James said anything about me?"

"You know I'd tell you if he had."

"Right, sorry to bug you. Night."

"Night Lils."

"You're sure you can't come, Lily?" Mary asked with a pout that was nearly hidden by her scarf.

"I'm fairly certain," Lily said with a laugh, pulling Mary in for a hug. "Have fun though. And bring me back some sweets."

"Feel better, Evans," Sirius chimed in, giving her an aggressive hug, causing her to break into coughs.

"Have fun, Pete," Lily said, pulling him in for a hug too.

"Feel better, Lily," he said, leaving the common room.

"Keep them in check, won't you?" She asked, turning to Remus and holding her hand out for him. He took it and they held hands for a moment.

"Take care Lils," Remus said, letting her hand slide out of his grip.

"Don't do anything too crazy without me there to stop you," Lily said, finally turning to meet James' stare. She felt her stomach flutter at the eye contact, but remained aloof.

"We wouldn't dare, oh perfect prefect," James teased, giving her a sort of salute, before turning to leave. Lily felt disappointed as he walked away from her.

"Hold on, Potter," She said, grabbing her arm and pulling him into a firm hug. "You almost forgot to zip up," she said, zipping his coat up for him. "It gets cold out in Hogsmeade at this time of year." She let her hands linger on his chest for longer than necessary before pulling away. She watched as he joined Mary, who was waiting for him by the portrait hole with a stony expression. Lily sighed and she went back upstairs to her room to have a nap, visions of hazel eyes, and slender fingers in dark hair clouded her dreams.

* * *

When she woke up hours later, she felt like she'd left part of her soul in her bed as she slouched bleary-eyed into the common room. She shivered, pulling her fuzzy robe tighter around her body. Her eyes fell on her friends, all huddled around the fireplace, squished uncomfortably close. She suddenly became very aware of the fact that Mary was almost sitting in James' lap, and his arm was wrapped around her. She paused, heart thudding alarmingly loudly, her sleep-flushed cheeks tinged even brighter red. Every time James looked away, Mary's eyes immediately found him, a small smile playing over her lips. Lily didn't know what to think.

"Lily," Remus called out, waving her over with a smile. Lily cursed, wanting nothing more than to be back in bed. She watched James nearly push Mary out of his lap at Remus' words, yet Lily wanted nothing more than for this to be a nightmare.

"Sorry guys," she said, feeling weak. "I thought I was well enough to come hang out, but I think I was wrong." She turned and tried her best not to run up the stairs as a chorus of 'Get well Lily' followed her up the stairs.

* * *

"Hey Mary," Lily said to her friend. They were sitting on two rocks overlooking the lake. Both were bundled up in scarfs and mittens, and were drinking hot cocoa. "This is going to sound silly, but I kind of got the feeling that you might -" Lily paused, scared of the reaction she'd get. "Have feelings for James," she finished, preparing herself for whatever her friend might say. Mary's face froze, unreadable for a second.

"Come on, Lils, like I'd have feelings for that idiot," she said. "No offense. Besides, even if I did, whatever feelings I had I would crush them because my best friend likes him." She gave Lily a playful nudge. Lily's heart skipped. It was the first time Mary had called her her best friend. Any doubts or fears she'd had about James and Mary instantly cast aside.

"Best friend?" Lily asked tentatively.

"Oh don't give me that," Mary said with a laugh. "Who else would be my best friend?"

"I don't know, maybe Lucy?" Lily replied. Mary's face fell.

"Yeah, well she doesn't want to associate with us anymore."

"Can't say I blame her," Lily said. "Look at how low we've stopped with our friends. The Marauders. If Lily from last year saw this she'd have an aneurism."

"I always knew you'd get on well with them Lils, you were just too stubborn to give them a chance."

"Yeah I suppose that's true," Lily said, unable to defend herself. "Hey, have you heard from Nell?"

"No, not since summer. I've tried talking to her a few times but she was really cold. I don't understand what went wrong," Mary said, looking mournful.

"Yeah, I mean I know I wasn't as close as all of you were, but we were all practically best friends. Do you think maybe her family…"

"Jeez, Lily, the answer isn't always that someone's joined You-Know-Who. Couldn't have been that anyways. Her mum was a muggle. Likely she just grew a superiority complex and didn't want to be seen hanging out with Gryffindors." Mary said, finishing her cocoa and putting it down on the ground. She pulled a cigarette out of her pocket, lighting it with a quick spell. She offered it to Lily, but Lily politely declined. She watched the smoke spiral out of Mary's mouth, heart sinking.

"Mary, there's really going to be a war, isn't there?" Lily asked, a sudden pit of dread in her stomach.

"I don't know, Lils, but by the looks of it, there might be," Mary said, looking morose.

"What do we do?" Lily asked. "Will we fight? What about our families? My muggle family. Will it affect them?"

"Slow down, Lily," Mary said, looking alarmed. "I really don't know anything. I'm only getting tidbits from my parents, and we all know the Prophet's trying to hush it all up."

"You're right, sorry," Lily said, seeming to shake some sense into herself.

"No, that's alright." Mary said, putting her arm around Lily comfortingly. "You sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, of course," she replied distractedly. "On second thought, pass the smoke."


	3. Chapter 3

"You're sure you don't want to come to my place?" Mary asked Lily, a worried look on her face.

"I need to be there for mum," Lily said, shooting a glance at her mother, waiting for her a few metres away. "It's been a year since dad died, and -"

"I know you don't want to go back. It's just going to make you miserable," Mary said quietly.

"Better me than her," Lily sighed. "See you at school."

"I'll write you," Mary called as Lily walked away.

* * *

The next morning Lily was awoken by an owl rapping persistently against her window. She recognized it instantly to be James', and let it in.

 _Lily,_

 _How's your winter break going so far? My parents are going out of town for their anniversary next weekend and I was thinking of throwing a party. Mary and the lads will be there and pretty much every decent person that's attended Hogwarts in the last ten years. Think you can come?_

 _Talk soon,_

 _James_

* * *

 _Potter,_

 _Break has been fairly boring. Don't see my family too much as mum works and Petunia avoids me like the plague. The party sounds like fun though. Just keep me updated and I'll be there - not that I really have anywhere else to be ever. Would love a distraction._

 _See you soon,_

 _Lily_

The party, which was on Thursday night, the day before Christmas Eve, Lily found out, would be held at eight o'clock and would go on until people decided to leave. Having had a hard time contacting her best friend over the break, come Thursday, Lily tore through her closet in an attempt to find something suitable for a party.

With her mother working another late shift, Lily decided it was high time she sought help elsewhere. Lily made her way down the hallways towards the door with muted Bee Gees music seeping through the cracks. She hear her sister's nasally voice singing along flatly. Taking a deep breath, Lily knocked on the door.

"What is it?" Came the pinched voice of Petunia Evans.

"It's me, Petunia," Lily said in a careful tone.

"What do you want," Petunia said, finally opening the door. Petunia was wearing her robe, and held a pencil in her hand. Lily spotted Petunia's sketchbook on her desk. Lily hadn't seen the old black book in ages. Petunia had been using it for years. She'd long since finished the paper in it, and had now taken to using paper from elsewhere, and shoving it in the frayed notebook as a sort of makeshift folder.

"Uh -" Lily said, hesitating, worried she'd interrupted her sister. "I'm, um, going to a party tonight and I was wondering if there's any chance you could help me pick something to wear…" Lily trailed off as Petunia's eyes narrowed.

"Really?" She asked suspiciously, her hand still clutching the door as though ready to shut it in Lily's face at any second.

"Yes." Lily said, nodding awkwardly.

"Oh, alright then,"

"You'll help?" Lily asked incredulously.

"I suppose so," Petunia said with a tight smile. "Lead the way." Lily made for her bedroom, Petunia right behind her. They walked past their mother's room, photos of the girls adorning the walls. "What kind of party is it?"

"Christmas I guess. My friend's parents are out of town until tomorrow night," Lily said, pulling open her door, and allowing Petunia in. Petunia hesitated in the doorway, as though afraid of what she'd find inside. It had been years since she'd gone into her little sister's room, and she was nervous. She finally stepped in, standing awkwardly waiting for Lily to show her where the dresser was. Lily stood back as her sister started rummaging through her drawers, pulling out items of clothing at random, shoving some back where it came from and tossing some on the bed.

"Ok," Petunia said with a look of concentration on her face as she held shirts up to Lily's chest. "And is there anyone in particular you'd like to impress, or is this just a casual thing?"

"Well I guess I'm kinda into someone. I don't want to be too fancy though," Lily said in alarm as her sister pulled out a very sparkly shirt.

"Put this on," Petunia said, thrusting a pair of light jeans and a silky green shirt at Lily. Lily obliged, and Petunia looked away while Lily got dressed."Ok good, now roll up the sleeves."

"Like this?" Lily asked.

"A bit more," Petunia said. "That's it. And unbutton the top a bit."

"How many?"

"Just two. Enough to show some cleavage, but not too much," Petunia said with a light chuckle.

"Naturally," Lily said in an airy voice, struggling with the buttons on her shirt.

"How are you doing your hair?" Petunia asked.

"I don't know what world you're living in, but in this one there's only so much you can do with this hair," Lily said, gesturing lamely to her shoulder length hair.

"Just mess it up a bit," Petunia said. "Hold on," she said, rushing to the bathroom. "Like this," she brandished the hairspray she'd just gone to fetch, and sprayed some in her hand, then proceeding to fluff Lily's hair up a bit.

"How do I look," Lily asked, jutting her hips to one side and pouting her lips in a crude imitation of the models on the cover of some of the magazines she knew Petunia used to read.

"Ridiculous," Petunia said, smiling. "Makeup?"

"I was just going to do some of the blue eyeshadow you always do and -"

"Ah, no. Definitely not," Petunia said, rushing out of the room again. "Come to the bathroom," she yelled from another room. Lily padded down the hall and made a left into their cramped upstairs bathroom. Petunia had pulled out her own makeup bags and placed them all on the sink. She had lost all sense of awkwardness and now had the look of a tiger eyeing an easy prey.

"Ok, what's your plan?" Lily asked, slightly wary, but trusting her much more stylish sister's judgement.

"We're just going to go very simple," she said, already starting to attack Lily's face with assorted products. "Ok, I'm going to let you choose your own lip colour, but by god, Lils, make the right choice," Petunia handed Lily her makeup bag to sort through.

"Can I go bold?" Lily asked, playing with some reds.

"I think so, yeah. The rest of your makeup is fairly subtle, so you can balance it out with a bold lip."

"I want this one," Lily said confidently, showing Petunia the bright red lipstick she'd chosen.

"If you're sure," Petunia said with a mysterious smile. "Try it on."

"Oh I like it," Lily said, puckering her lips.

"It looks better on you than it does on me," Petunia said with a shrug. "Do you like it?" Petunia asked. Lily turned to her reflection. Her skin had been evened out, and her cheekbones defined. Her eyes seemed larger, and her lips were bright red and very sharp, showing off her cupid's bow.

"I barely look like myself," Lily said, although not unhappy. "In fact, I kind of look like you."

"You wish," Petunia said with a laugh. "You look beautiful though. You should wear green more often." Lily actually _did_ wish that she looked more like her sister. Petunia had always been traditionally beautiful. She was slender, yet muscular, due to being a cheerleader in school, and going on frequent runs. She had an elegantly sculpted face, and though her hair was just as short as Lily's, Petunia's hair was full, yet light and somehow managed to always have volume. Lily had always thought Petunia was extremely beautiful.

"Thank you," Lily said, feeling slightly breathless, and in awe of how well they'd gotten along. She pulled her sister into a hug. Petunia froze for a moment, before hugging her back.

"Ok, what time did you want to be there?" Petunia asked, breaking the hug.

"Eight," Lily said, a grin plastered onto her face.

"Have you eaten?"

"Yes, mother," Lily rolled her eyes.

"That's good cause it's eight now," Petunia said, laughing as her sister's eyes flew open in alarm. "Hey, don't worry, these types of parties people come in whenever they want. No one will even notice you're late."

"I'm going to head out then," Lily said. "Thanks Petunia," she whispered, pulling her sister into another tight hug.

"No problem Lily. Be safe." Petunia stood and watched her sister leave, a strange lightness in her heart.

* * *

"Lily, hey!" Exclaimed a very excited Marlene Mckinnon, who came over and collapsed into Lily's arms. Lily recoiled as the smell of hard liquor wafted from her dorm mate. The girl's dark curls were in a matted mess, and her lips appeared swollen and pink.

"Marlene," Lily said, slightly uncomfortable. "How've your Holidays been?"

"Oh, Lily, they've been so great," Marlene said, voice slurring heavily. "Dorcas has been staying at my house. She's so great. Man, Lily you're so nice, why don't we talk more? We've been sharing a room since first year but we've never been friends."

"Man, I don't know Marlene," Lily said, feeling guilty. She knew exactly why they weren't friends, and it was because Lily couldn't stand Dorcas and Marlene.

"You have such pretty hair," Marlene said suddenly, playing with Lily's messy locks.

"Jeez, Marlene, how much have you had to drink?"

"I don't know, a lot I think," she said with a bark of laughter.

"Dorcas," Lily yelled gratefully, catching sight of the blonde. "Here's your friend. Take her off my hands," Lily said, dumping Marlene into Dorcas' arms. "Happy Christmas," Lily said sarcastically as Dorcas erupted into fits of giggles, eyes bloodshot, and lipstick smeared. Lily walked away from the pair quickly, glad to be rid of them. She walked on, hoping to find the Marauders.

"Lily," came the smooth voice of her friend Nell.

"Nell, god it feels like it's been ages." Lily eyes her friend, who was sipping a light pink drink. She seemed put together as always. Her dark hair was in a high ponytail, and her shirt matched her drink.

"Yeah," Nell said, looking guilty. "How've you been?"

"Pretty ok," Lily said, half truthfully. "And yourself?"

"Honestly so much better," Nell seemed so relieved, and Lily got the distinct feeling she was about to hear something she wouldn't like.

"Great," Lily said, starting to feel awkward. "Well I'm gonna-"

"Lily, wait," Nell said, grabbing Lily's arm. "I'm sorry if it seems like I've ditched you."

"I hadn't noticed," Lily lied, voice stony.

"It wasn't about you, Lils," Nell said with a guilty expression. "It's Mary - she's toxic and Merlin I feel so liberated now I don't spend all of my time with her and Lucy."

"Mary happens to be my best friend," Lily said defensively.

"Oh," Nell fell quiet. "Well happy Christmas anyways." She let go of Lily's arm.

"Yeah." Lily said coldly, walking away. She made her way to where she knew the kitchen was, and was pleased to find Sirius.

"Hey Evans," Sirius said from his perch on the counter. "Glad you showed," he said, swinging his legs in a childlike manner.

"Likewise," Lily said. "Have you seen Mary?"

"Last I saw she was putting her bag up in James' room. I can help you look for her if you'd like."

"Sure," Lily said, laughing as Sirius got unsteadily to his feet.

"Want a drink?" Sirius asked, brandishing a bottle of firewhiskey.

"I'll pass for now, thanks," Lily smiled. "Let's check James' room first." The pair made their way upstairs, chatting amicably, Lily often chuckling at Sirius' drunken jokes. When they got to James' room, Sirius threw the door open and burst in.

"What the hell Padfoot," James yelled. Lily followed Sirius into the room and felt her stomach jolt at the sight of her best friend straddling James Potter in a bra and a short skirt, her lipstick smeared over hers and James' faces. James froze at the sight of Lily in his bedroom.

"Lily," Mary said, sounding desperate.

"Sorry," Lily said in a dull voice. "Let's go Sirius." She grabbed her friend's arm, noticing he'd gotten rather silent. "Are you ok?" She asked him once they'd put some distance between themselves and the room.

"I was actually going to ask you the same thing," Sirius said, laughing.

"Oh yeah," Lily said waving her arm in an attempt at nonchalance, even though she was fighting back tears. "I'm totally fine."

"Really?" Sirius asked, raising his eyebrow.

"On second thought, I'll take that drink," Lily said, taking a generous swig. "Woah," she said, nearly coughing it back up.

"First time?" Sirius asked, holding back laughter.

"Is it that obvious?"

She brought the bottle to her lips again, relishing the burn as it went down. She then remembered Mary and James coiled together and felt the urge to throw up.

"Where are Remus and Peter?" Lily asked Sirius, keeping the bottle in her hands.

"They're probably in the living room," Sirius said, towering over the redhead.

"Let's go then," Lily said, marching down the stairs. The living room was at least five times the size of Lily's own living room. The ceilings were high, and the doorways were arched. Lily had peeked in here before, and knew that the normal furniture had probably been moved elsewhere. Instead of the usual elegant sofas and tables, there were multiple ratty looking couches, and stools. There were cups on almost every empty surface, and there were people everywhere. She spotted Remus and Peter, who were chatting with a couple of girls that Lily recognized from Hogwarts. Peter was quite red in the face - whether from alcohol, or from talking to a girl, Lily didn't know.

"Sirius," Remus called, seemingly gratefully. He gave Lily a surprised look. "Lily. Are you drinking?" He asked, eyeing the bottle in her hand, and her pink cheeks.

"What of it?" Lily asked, attempting to seem cool and nonchalant. Remus let out a bark of laughter.

"Lily, you've never even skipped class. You can't blame me for being shocked." Remus eyed Lily's extravagant look, and her flushed cheeks. "How did Sirius manage to convince you?"

"I didn't, actually," Sirius said, patting Lily's back. "She did it entirely of her own volition."

"Thats right," Lily said, puffing her chest out. "Sirius, I want to listen to Twist and Shout."

"Anything for you, Lily," he said with a mock bow. He walked away, and Lily lost sight of him.

"Remus, what do I do now?" Lily asked in a loud whisper. "I've never been to one of these parties."

"You've been invited," Remus pointed out.

"But I was too good to go, wasn't I?" Lily replied, unsure if she was referring to the fact that she was too much of a goody goody to attend, or if she was too good to hang out with the Marauders.

"I suppose that's true," Remus said. "Well I suppose you socialize, drink, dance…"

"Wanna dance with me?" Lily asked, as she heard Paul McCartney shout "1, 2, 3, 4!"

"Alright, Lils," he said as she dragged him to the middle of the room. They danced around madly to 'I Saw Her Standing There", dancing harder than they ever would if they were sober.

Lily danced to the music for what seemed like forever and with so many people. Some she knew, some she didn't. When Twist and Shout finally came on, she yelled for Sirius.

"You put the music on and you have to dance with me." Sirius laughed, joining Lily for the dance. They stumbled and danced around drunkenly, having the time of their life.

By the time the album was over, Lily was covered in a sheen of sweat. Her throat was raw from screaming the lyrics along with the song, and she was panting like an old dog. She'd unbuttoned several more buttons on her shirt, revealing her bra, and the bottle of firewhisky was now finished. Her current dance partner Noah Watts had graduated from Hogwarts the past summer, but Lily knew he lived in the area. He had been the Ravenclaw Quidditch captain, and James' rival.

She let out a laugh to a joke of his she hadn't heard. She caught sight of James coming down the stairs without Mary, eyes scanning the crowd. He started walking towards her, and she turned to Noah.

"Why don't we sit down," she whispered in his ear, hand trailing down his spine. He sat down on the couch, and she straddled him ungracefully. His hands flew to her back, gripping her tightly as she crashed her lips onto his, hoping and praying that James was watching. That James was hurting more than she was.

* * *

Lily woke up next to Noah Watts in the guest room. Her heart rate sped up as she felt his body curled up next to her. She was relieved to feel all of her clothing rumpled, yet firmly in place. She pulled herself out of bed, head spinning and nearly falling back down.

"Lily?" Noah had woken up and was staring at her blearily. "Where are you going?"

"Ah," Lily said, eyeing him uncomfortably, searching for her shoes. "I was supposed to be home before mum woke up, but I guess I fell asleep."

"Right," he said, jumping out of bed and helping her search. He found one of her shoes under his sweater.

"Thanks, Noah," Lily said, as she left.

"Lily?" He called after her. "We didn't do anything." He told her. Lily let out a breath of relief she hadn't realized she'd been holding.

"Thanks," she said with a genuine smile, slipping out of the door. Her head pounded as she attempted to find her way out of the house. She walked down hallway after hallway. Some, she noticed, were much more clean than others. She followed the messy hallways until she eventually found their floo-entrance room. Unfortunately, James was also there, collecting empty - and full cups.

"Lily," he said in surprise, looking as though he was about to give her a smile but thought better of it. "I didn't know you were still here."

"Yes, well," Lily said attempting to seem aloof, but she knew she looked rumpled and ridiculous.

"You know, in all the ways I imagined you sneaking out of my house, this wasn't one of them," James said, seeming sad. Lily's mouth fell open. Of all the things he could have said, this was the worst.

"Trust me, this is the only time it's going to happen," Lily said with a cruel laugh. She felt bad for a second, but then her mind replayed the scene in which Mary was slobbering all over him like a dog in heat, and her anger felt justified.

"I don't doubt it," James said, face hard.

"Happy Christmas, Potter," Lily said, trying to put as much spite into her voice as she could. She stepped into the fireplace, and disappeared, engulfed in green flames and ashes. She imagined his face at her reverting back to Potter and felt sad, yet vengeful.

She landed as gracefully as she could, landing hard in her own fireplace. She winced at the loud noise of her feet against the ground. Brushing soot off of herself, she removed her shoes, placing them by the door next to Petunia's immaculately clean row of shoes. Lily padded into the kitchen, checking the clock above the trash bin. It was 6 in the morning. Her mum will have left not ten minutes previous.

"Damn," Lily swore aloud. She pulled open the cupboards, searching for anything to eat. Since Petunia did a lot of the cooking, as Lily was gone for most of the year, and their mother worked long hours, the cupboards and fridge were arranged exactly the way Petunia wanted them. Careful not to cause chaos among Petunia's order, Lily pulled out the hot chocolat powder.

While she cooked the milk, Lily made her way to the bathroom. She winced at her reflection. Her red lipstick was smeared all over her mouth, her mascara was caked and rubbed, giving her the impression of a raccoon who'd just eaten a squirrel. She groaned and started to attack her face with a cloth. She'd been so wrapped up in trying to get revenge on Potter than she'd given away her first kiss without a second thought.

"Lily?" Came the voice of her sister. "What are you doing?" Lily had forgotten that Petunia had a very strict morning routine of waking up at 6:30, drinking her tea, and reading until 7:30. Then she'd make eggs for breakfast. It was the same thing their father had done. In ways, Petunia and their father had been closer then he and Lily had ever been.

"Just washing my face," Lily said.

"Lily, you're going to rub all of your eyelashes off. Where's your makeup remover?"

"Left it at school," Lily said with a defeated laugh.

"I suppose that's fair," Petunia replied. She rummaged around in the cupboard under the sink, then stood up, brandishing a bottle. "Put some on a cotton wipe. It'll work much better."

"Thanks Tuney," Lily said, barely aware of using her childhood nickname. Petunia's nostrils flared for a second and Lily braced herself for Petunia to tell her not to call her that, as she had done so many times. She was shocked at her sister's response.

"No problem, Lilyflower." Then, as though unsure of what to say next, Petunia left.

Ten minutes later, with a clean face and her pyjamas, Lily came downstairs. Plopping herself down on the couch, Lily put her head in Petunia's lap.

"I feel like shit," she moaned. "I want to vomit." Petunia laughed quietly, but said nothing, her hand coming down to run through Lily's hair.

This urge to throw up didn't go away for the whole day, much to Petunia's amusement, and the headache and heavy feeling didn't go away until boxing day. When Lily received an invitation to James' New Years party, she politely declined, instead electing to spend the evening playing cards with her mother and sister. She hadn't felt connected as a family like that since her dad died, and the thought made her partially sad, partially happy. Sad because he was gone. Because despite the vows she'd made to herself, she'd somehow managed to find something worth saving in the rest of her family, yet it had been done without him. Happy because it felt good to be reminded that she had a family.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/n** So sorry it's been so long. I'm not going to make excuses because that's lame.

Just a warning, there will be some mild drug use in this chapter, so if you aren't into that, just skip over it. I promise you won't miss anything important.

Thanks for reading!

* * *

"Mum, we have to leave," Lily said anxiously, trunk in her hand, cat crate in her other. Her mother and Petunia had surprised her the night before with a kitten, as an early birthday gift. They decided to give him to her that night, because they couldn't very well send a kitten by owl. The cat was small, and very sleek. He was entirely black, with green eyes. Lily had decided to call him Jasper.

"Yeah, mum, let's go," Petunia called impishly, grabbing Lily's trunk for her and putting it in the car. Lily stared for a moment. Petunia hadn't come with her to King's cross in what seemed like ages.

"Thanks Tuney," Lily said, childhood nickname now rolling easily off her tongue. The three of them had actually had a wonderful Christmas holiday, despite Lily's bad mood after James' party. Petunia's boyfriend, Vernon, was away on holiday in Germany with his family, and Petunia's friends had mostly gone home for Christmas. Petunia had moved away from home several years ago for a typing course, and now worked as a in London. She'd been worried about her mother living alone once their father passed away. Their mother couldn't bear selling the house though, so for weekends, and holidays, Petunia returned home to stay with their mother. Petunia had spent the holiday in her childhood bedroom, and Lily had not dreaded the thought of her sister in the next room. Lily could tell that Petunia was nervous to go to King's Cross station, but Lily really appreciated her sister sending her off.

The long car ride was spent reminiscing about their holiday, and comforting the distressed Jasper. They spent the night at Petunia's place in London, getting in in the early evening. Lily let Jasper out, after being certain that no windows were open for him to escape through. Lily had opted to sleep on the couch, leaving their mother in the guest room, and Petunia in her own bed. After getting ready for bed and saying goodnight to her family, Lily retreated to the living room. She rolled around on the couch anxiously, dreading coming across Mary and the Marauders. She imagined the righteous expressions Mary sometimes wore when justifying her conquests. She thought back to her best friend explaining some of the things she'd done with her multiple summer flings, and resisted the urge to gag. She stood up and made her way to the kitchen, gulping down a glass of water.

As she walked back to the couch, she examined the pictures her sister had put up. There were pictures of Petunia and Vernon, of Petunia and her friends from school, Petunia and their parents… Lily tried to ignore the fact that her own face was missing from all of the photos, and instead elected to smile at the happy photo of Petunia and Vernon, faces twisted into ridiculously happy smiles, at what appeared to be a barbeque. Lily tried not to think about how much better Petunia could do. Vernon was not even close to being handsome, and he sounded as boring as cement. Shaking these thoughts out of her head, Lily laid down, and, pulling the quilt above her head, attempted to drown her thoughts in blankets.

The next morning, Lily was woken by the kettle. She groaned at her sister's ridiculous morning routine. Instead of acting exasperated like she wanted, Lily rose. Letting out a yawn, she filled a mug with tea, and sat down next to her sister.

"When is Vernon back from Germany?" She asked, watching steam spiral through the cold morning air from their hot tea. Lily noticed that Petunia was using a mug that used to belong to their father, "World's Best Dad" engraved into it. Lily felt a pang run through her chest at the sight.

"Vernon will be back on Wednesday," Petunia said, with a small smile. Lily marvelled at the fact that even at 6:30 in the morning, Petunia was as beautiful as ever. Her perfectly manicured nails clutched at her mug for warmth. "I think I might move in with him," Petunia said in a hush, leaning towards her sister, as though spilling a dark secret. Lily's eyebrows rose.

"I didn't realize you were so serious about him," she said, slightly hurt that she hadn't met the man, despite not really wanting to get to know him. Petunia's face morphed into one her sister had never seen before.

"Lily, I think he's the one," Petunia said, sounding much more sure of herself than her words suggested. "I don't really know why," Lily grimaced slightly. "I mean, I do. Of course I do. But there's just something there that's never happened before. I don't know, but when I'm with him, I just know. I know it sounds like rubbish, but I don't know if I've ever been more certain about anything." Petunia rambled.

"I'm really glad you've found him, Tuney," Lily said, grabbing her sister's hand. "Can I meet him?" She asked, voice unsure.

"Of course, silly." Petunia said, patting the hand Lily had placed in hers. When you come home for Easter. I'll bring him home with me."

"Hey Tuney?" Lily said, blinking back tears. "I'm so glad you're back." Petunia's face morphed into a tender smile, and she stood up and pressed a kiss to her sister's head.

"I'm glad _you're_ back."

* * *

With a heavy heart, many hours later, Lily said goodbye to her family, and got on the Hogwarts express. She'd gotten there early, and headed to the prefect's compartment. She sat there in angry silence, ignoring a bewildered Remus Lupin, and her other friends. She performed her rounds in miserable silence, pointedly avoiding the compartment in which she'd seen James and Mary making out heatedly. Once she was finally done, she accepted Remus' nervous invitation to sit with him, Peter, and Sirius.

She let Jasper out, who seemed to absolutely adore Sirius, something the other two boys found very funny. Instead of speaking with the Marauders, Lily stared out into the frozen landscape, and wondered why James suddenly didn't want her anymore. She wasn't stupid, she knew that in the past she'd been less than kind about James' feelings towards her. It's just that, she'd thought their relationship had been progressing. She'd even tried her hardest to be less confrontational and rude to him. She eventually came to the conclusion that she was upset because he had been her back-up plan in case no one else ever wanted her. That was it. She felt only slightly better. She tried her very hardest not to think about Mary because it was just too confusing and painful.

She sat alone at the welcome feast, and threw herself into bed the second she got to their dormitory so as to not have to talk to Mary.

When Lily walked into their first potions class, she was halted in her tracks by the sight of James Potter in her seat in the front row next to Mary. Throwing a dirty look at their backs, Lily made her way to the back of the class where she knew Sirius sat. She could feel her poor mood worsen, and nearly laughed as she imagined a little rain cloud pouring down solely on her. Soon thereafter, Peter and Remus came into class, shooting Lily sympathetic glances.

"What the hell," Sirius finally walked into class, mere minutes before class began. He paused dramatically in the doorway. Lily saw James give Sirius an apologetic gesture, but Sirius gave him a none too polite hand gesture in response, and stalked over to where Lily was sitting.

"Hey," Lily said, once he'd taken his seat next to her.

"What the hell," Sirius said again, frowning. "I'm his best friend. I fricken waited for him to walk to class together, but I guess he walked with someone else." He picked angrily at a spot on the table.

"Tell me about it," Lily mumbled. "Honestly I shouldn't have put it past them, based on their display over Christmas," she spat. "Whatever, it's probably better this way," Lily said, forcing a smile to her face. She knew she looked horrifying.

"Jeez, Evans, what's eating you," Sirius asked, having seen plenty of Lily's angry faces, but never one quite so full of poison.

"Clearly not James," Lily muttered under her breath. Sirius had clearly not heard her, so she continued, louder and more forceful. "Nothing at all. I'm perfectly well." Sirius eyed her in disbelief.

"If you're fine, then you won't mind me gushing about the happy couple?" Sirius asked, giving Lily a knowing look.

"Go ahead," Lily growled, clearly daring him to anger her.

"Merlin, they're so cute together," Sirius said in a shockingly high, mocking voice. "Look at him rubbing circles on her hand, so cute. Oh and just imagine their cute, dark haired babies, oh they'll look just like them and I just love it when they kick me out of the dorm so they can make out, and Merlin knows what else…" Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Want me to keep going?"

"No, that's great, thanks," Lily ground out, jaw locked, eyes fixed on the two dark heads at the front of the class. "I get the point."

"Well I don't," Sirius grumbled, turned to face Lily. "What does he bloody see in her?"

"That's not fair, Sirius, Mary's lovely," Lily said, halfheartedly defending her friend.

"Yeah, but she's a bit of a moron, really," Sirius chuckled. Lily let out a bark of bitter laughter, hoping they'd her her.

"Sirius, what did I do wrong?" Lily asked suddenly, eyes sad. She hadn't had anyone to voice her worries to except Petunia, who didn't know James or Mary, so she'd had a lot of time to consider just why Mary had done this to her, and why James had suddenly stopped liking her.

"You didn't-"

"Hello class, and welcome back," Slughorn said as his belly preceded him through the door. "But where's Lily," he said, looking worriedly at the spot normally occupied by Lily, now occupied by James.

"Here professor," Lily said meekly, drawing stares from the whole class, including an angry looking Severus.

"My, my, Lily, you gave me a fright," Slughorn said, putting a hand to his heart. "And such an unusual seating arrangement," he continued, eyeing the two new groups with interest. His hand unconsciously flew to his handlebar mustache, twirling the ends. Lily gave Sirius a confused look, having no idea how to reply to that.

"Er, sorry, sir," Lily said.

"Nonsense, dear, I'm sure Mr. Black will benefit from your presence," he said with a wink and another jovial chuckle. Lily cringed inwardly, but forced herself to let out a laugh so as to appease her eager teacher.

"God, ok that was not fun," Lily said quietly, cheeks tinged pink as Slughorn commenced his lesson.

"Are you kidding, that was brilliant," Sirius chuckled. "That man is far too nosy for his own good."

"I suppose that's a fair statement. I just think it's funny that he seemed to assume _we_ were a couple, and didn't even mention Mary and James," Lily smirked cruelly.

"What, Evans, are you telling me we'll never be a couple," Sirius asked, staring at her offendedly.

"Oh knock it off, Black," Lily said in a hushed voice as Sirius began to talk too loud, drawing several stares. Sirius snorted. "Really though, how did that happen?" Lily asked, nodding towards James and Mary, a look of distaste marring her features.

"Oh, you know I'm not entirely sure. Just Christmas morning, after presents, naturally, Wormy and Remus came over and we were hanging out in James' room and he just came out and told us he was going to ask Mary out, and I mean, I'd noticed them hanging out a lot since summer, and of course there was the party, but I hadn't thought much of it 'cause I just assumed he was still hung up over - well, you. And that's what Remus said. He asked if he'd given up on you then, even after all those years of pining. And that's when Pete mentioned that you two were finally getting closer and that if he was ever going to try, don't you think it should be now? But James wasn't budging and he just kept saying that he didn't want to be rejected again and he didn't want to ruin your friendship. He'd rather have you in his life as a friend, than out of it again. And, I mean, as admirable as that is, I told him he was being stupid - you agree that he was being stupid right? I mean, despite what happened at his party?"

"No," Lily said grouchily, pouting exaggeratedly. Sirius didn't miss a beat.

"Exactly. I told him he was being an idiot and that he was going to fuck everything up, and he didn't listen."

"Yeah well what else is new? He never really cared about me - he just liked the chase." Lily spat. "I'm the only girl that didn't fall into his lap the second he looked at me."

"Alright, class, let's see what you can show me," Slughorn's voice boomed out. "You have the rest of the class. Once you've finished, bottle it up, bring it to me, and you may leave." Sirius looked confused, but Lily automatically started pulling out the shrivelfig.

"Euphoria," Lily reminded Sirius, who pulled out his textbook.

"Hey, Remus, what page is it on," Sirius called over.

"It's on the board, numbnut," Remus said without looking up. Lily giggled. Now that the mood had been broken, Lily and Sirius quickly finished their potion, giving each other high fives as Slughorn raved about the colour of their potion.

"Is James any good at potions?" Lily asked Sirius as they cleaned up, watching people struggle.

"Nah, he has no idea what he's doing," Sirius laughed. "Does Mary?"

"She's rubbish," Lily laughed. "Looks like we're the lucky ones. Speaking of no idea what they're doing, do you get what we're doing in transfiguration? Cause I'm entirely lost."

"What, that stuff's easy," Sirius scoffed. "I thought you were supposed to be brilliant."

"I am," Lily said haughtily, "But even _I_ need pointers sometimes," she said, breaking into a grin.

"Well I'd be happy to help you if you'd like. Anything to get away from the constant face-sucking." Sirius said with an eye roll, and a nod towards his best friend, who was frantically stirring his potion.

"Seriously though, I'm not brilliant, I just find all this shit interesting compared to muggle stuff, so I actually make the effort to learn it thoroughly. I mean, half-assing it would just be a waste. Back to the point, I really do need some tips. Can we take some time either today or tomorrow to just sit down in the library and maybe go over some of the more complicated principles?"

"Sure, but you'll have to show me where the library is," Sirius said. Lily stared at him in disbelief. "I'm joking, Lily," Sirius said. "God, I knew people think I'm stupid, but I didn't quite know the extent of it, shit."

"Well I mean maybe if people saw you, oh, I don't know, paying attention in class or doing homework _ever_ people might not be so quick to judge."

Lily had been dreading arithmancy since she'd gotten back from break - the sole reason for this being James Potter, who she'd been sitting next to since September. For this reason, Lily went to class extra early, finding a seat far away from where she and James usually sat. She pulled out her unfinished history of magic essay and started adding more ideas. A group of students rushed in suddenly, among them, James, who was eyeing the seat next to Lily. She let her hair fall in front of her face, and prayed that James wouldn't sit next to her. Her heart fell as someone sat down in the seat next to her, and breathed a sigh of relief when she recognized the white-blonde hair, and big light blue eyes of her dorm mate, Dorcas.

"Oh god," Lily said, half to herself, and half to her roommate. She had never been particularly fond of Dorcas - in fact, she thought that the blonde was obnoxious and intimidating. She was beautiful, in a subtle way. She rarely wore makeup, aside from her lips, which were constantly a dark shade of red. She had a deep voice, and a nipple piercing, that Lily learned of three years ago from a seventh year boy who she'd heard discussing his night spent with Dorcas rather loudly with his friends. Dorcas was intimidating, but very cool. She was a bit of a legend, in fact. No one knew how she got away with sneaking around at night, but everyone heard stories of her wild nights out. "Don't you sit with that Ravenclaw usually?" Lily asked.

"Yeah, but I noticed you and James seemed to be a little off recently. Figured you could use some company." Dorcas said, turning to face Lily. "Besides, Jeremy's dead boring

"Right" Lily said tensely, cheeks heating up slightly. "How did you know?"

"I'm just smart like that," Dorcas smirked, pulling her parchment from her bag.

"I don't doubt you," Lily said with a halfhearted smile. "How was your break? Didn't you spend it with Marlene?"

"Yeah," Dorcas said, retrieving her quill, then turning to the red head. "My family is away a lot, so I often go to Marley's over breaks."

"That must be fun," Lily smiled, thinking of anything else to talk about.

"I mean, Marley's great, but my family can be a bit stressful. I have two older sisters, Lydia and Phoebe. Lydia is married and expecting a child, and she'd got this great job, and a great, husband. Phoebe's literally a model in France, plus she's brilliant. I'm the only one left at home, and I think my parents have kind of decided I'm not worth it." Dorcas let out a tight laugh, clearly trying to seem unbothered.

"Are you close with your sisters?" Lily asked, trying not to show how bad she felt for the other girl.

"I used to be pretty close with Lydia when we were young, but she's gotten so busy with her life. Phoebe and I talk sometimes, but she lives in a different country, so it isn't quite the same. Do you have any siblings?"

"I have an older sister. She drives me crazy, and more often than not we aren't talking, but we just reconnected over Christmas for the first time in years, and honestly I missed her so much."

"What about your mum?" Dorcas asked, avoiding mentioning Lily's father, whom she knew had passed away the previous year.

"She works a lot, but she's lovely. We're not extremely close, but she's my mum, you know?"

"Yeah," Dorcas said, sounding sad.

"Man, why haven't I talked to you sooner?" Lily asked, smiling at the blonde girl.

"Probably cause I'm not super approachable," Dorcas laughed. "Really though, you're always welcome to join Marley and I at lunch, or whenever, if you need. I don't know what's going on with you and Mary, but if you ever need to escape."

"Honestly I might have to take you up on that. It's been kinda awkward, to say the least. It'd be nice to branch out. Besides, it seems silly that we've lived together for years, and never tried to get to know each other."

* * *

Unlike on her way to arithmancy, Lily took her time heading down to lunch, hoping to avoid the meal altogether. She had almost been successful, holed up in her dormitory, when Marlene came in, lugging a heavy bag. She dropped it at the foot of her bed with a thump, and turned to leave, eyes falling on Lily's occupied bed.

"Aren't you coming to lunch?" She asked, eyeing Lily worriedly.

"Not really feeling it today," Lily said, attempting to put some life into herself. Marlene gave her a sad look.

"I always feel a lot better after eating," She said, walking up to Lily's bed, giving the ginger a small smile.

"Yeah, I guess," Lily said, slightly wary of the girl. Marlene Mckinnon was every bit as beautiful and radiant as the sun. She had loose black curls, big brown eyes, and freckles. She was tall and willowy and seemed to radiate elegance. She had a soft nature, marred only by the ferocity she showed as beater on the Gryffindor quidditch team. Marlene was the kind of person that people naturally gravitate towards. Lily had always found her to be exasperating because she was simply beautiful, yet she was constantly complaining to Dorcas about how she felt unlovable and ugly because she had horrible luck with boys. Lily had never had any patience for people who needed validation from boys to be able to function properly - especially someone so lovely. Lily wasn't even half as beautiful, so Marlene complaining about it was like a slight jab every time, because Lily knew that no boy would find her beautiful - with the exception of toe-rag Potter, and even he didn't seem to want anything to do with her anymore.

"Want to come with me?" Marlene asked tentatively. Lily hesitated.

"You know what, sure," she said in a resigned tone, heaving herself out of bed and filing out the door behind Marlene. Dorcas hadn't been so bad, so Marlene would be fine.

"So how're you adjusting to being back at school?" Marlene asked after several long moments of silence.

"It's been ok. I mean I thought I'd be escaping drama by coming back, but really it might even be worse," Lily sighed. "Christmas was really good at home, and for the first time I'm sorry to be back."

"I'm really sorry about the drama," Marlene said. "You ok though?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just feel like never seeing anyone in my life again ever," Lily groaned, quite nervous at the prospect of facing the Gryffindor table.

"Do you mean Mary and James?" Marlene asked quietly.

"You too?" Lily asked. "Dorcas asked me about it as well," she continued at Marlene's confused look.

"Right," Marlene said, seemingly appeased by Lily's response. "We'd had some speculations, but we weren't sure of anything."

"That's fair. We do live together," Lily said, letting out a bitter laugh.

"Marley, what took you so long," Dorcas asked when Marlene sat down next to her at the Gryffindor table.

"I was talking with Lily," Marlene said, using an extra soft voice, as though speaking to a sleepy child. Lily had taken a seat across from the two, and felt distinctly weird joining the very clear duet.

"Oh, hey, Lily," Dorcas said with a small smile, displaying her teeth through her lipstick stained lips.

"Long time no see," Lily said with a forced laugh.

"No kidding," Dorcas said with a bark of laughter. "So, how was ancient runes," she asked, turning to Marlene. Lily watched the two interact, and noticed how when they were together they seemed like they were whole. Almost one. Lily had never felt that way because no matter how hard she tried, she could never find a friend that would stick with her. Docas and Marlene had been best friends since the very first day at Hogwarts.

"You ok, Lily?" Marlene asked, noticing Lily's silence.

"Yeah," Lily said. "I just feel a little bit weird."

"About what?" Dorcas asked her, a crease between her eyebrows.

"Just the whole situation. I don't know, I just feel like I'm imposing."

"Hey, don't worry about it. I was serious when I said that you were always welcome." Dorcas said, a glint of ferocity in her eye. "We don't bite." Her red lips curved into a predatory smile.

"Right," Lily said uneasily.

"Really," Merlene said, gently. "Why don't you come for a walk with us Friday night." Lily eyed her, as though testing to see if she was being serious.

"When?" Lily asked.

"Whenever we want," Dorcas said.

"Late," Marlene continued, taking a bite of pea soup.

* * *

"Are you guys sure this is a good idea?" Lily asked, rubbing her fingers together nervously.

"Of course," Dorcas said, linking her hand with Marlene's.

"We do it all the time, and we're never caught. Besides, if anything happens you can just say you caught us. You are a prefect, aren't you?"

"I couldn't," Lily sad with a laugh, although privately agreeing to the idea. They set off, walking quickly and quietly through the hallways, finally reaching the grounds. Dorcas and Marlene led her to a dark area under a tree. Dorcas pulled out small bag from her pocket.

"Hey, Lily, are you ok with smoking weed?" Dorcas asked. Lily fidgeted for a moment, distinctly uncomfortable.

"Yeah, I guess. I never have though," Lily found herself saying, unsure if the shivers running down her spine were from the cold or from nerves.

"It's totally ok if you don't want to," Marlene said.

"No, no," Lily said stubbornly. "I want to."

"Alright. Marley, would you light it?" Dorcas asked, bringing the little rolled joint to her lips. Marlene pointed her wand at the tip and muttered a spell. "Thanks." Even in the dark, Lily knew that Dorcas made this look effortless and beautiful. She passed it on to Marlene. Marlene was surprisingly less graceful, coughing quietly as she handed it to Lily. Lily felt her face burning as she tried to imitate what she'd seen the other girls doing. She tried her very hardest to not cough, but was unsuccessful, and let out a string of coughs that she muted in her elbow.

"Don't worry, I was much worse my first time," Marlene said. Even in the dark, Lily knew that she was grimacing. They continued to pass it around until there was just a little nub left.

"Why don't we play never have I ever?" Dorcas suggested.

"Never have I ever had sex," Lily said immediately. Dorcas put up a finger, but Marlene did nothing. "Wait, really?" She asked. Marlene seemed to have many suitors over the years, and Lily had always assumed she'd sealed the deal with one of them.

"It's never felt right," Marlene said with a shrug.

"Never have I ever fancied James Potter," Dorcas said, sounding smug. Lily groaned and put up a finger. She burst into laughter as Marlene also put up a finger.

Some time later, how much, Lily didn't know, the three girls snuck rather ungraciously back into Gryffindor tower.

"Where've you been?" Sirius asked, his vice bellowing through the common room. The Marauders and Mary were some of the only people left in the common room at this hour.

"I was just out for a walk," Lily replied, eyeng Dorcas and Marlene, who were waiting for her at the foot of the stairs leading up to their dorm.

"Look at you breaking the rules," Sirius said, with a bark of laughter. Lily joined Sirius's laughter, and he stopped abruptly, standing up. He made his way over to her, and sniffed rather animatedly. "Lils, are you high?"

"I would never," Lily said with an exaggerated laugh.

"Lily, you stink," Sirius said, messing up her hair. "Go to sleep." She gave Sirius a hug, and watched him walk back to his friends. She shot what she hoped was a contemptuous glare at James and Mary, and joined her new friends in their dorm.


End file.
